Words

Sometimes the sun rises and darkness rests heavily on the soul.

Words require from us a kind of empathy and imagination and even then, the true meaning of words falls short until we experience their meaning in our lives. Love means little if you haven’t experienced loving parents, siblings, a spouse, children, and friends. It is said that we love God because He first loved us. Our experience livens words.

Loss. Death. Died. Grief. Uglier words. I confess, the memory of the few instances where those words entered my life on occasion did not prepare me for losing my dad. I was thoroughly unempathetic to the situation of others when those words entered their lives about someone they loved. Those words might as well be replaced with earthquake or explosion due to their effect. “Death” does not capture the violence. Like an earthquake the seeming certainty of the earth has been called into question, all the edifices of my life crashed down, mere shells of what stood before. So much of this is internal and so the destruction largely goes unnoticed. But the stunning and violent nature of death persist in their effects in relationships, work, and even questioning the meaning of life. Anger and rage crept in through the destruction. Anxiety and depression. Where I was solid I am unsure. Where I was decisive I flail. What I valued I question. All the harsh and “bad” words are at the tip of my tongue. I want to give vent to the extremes of my emotion, the usual guards broken.

My spirit groans over a broken and fallen world where I can “lose” my Dad. I must turn to the Rock who is greater than I.

“But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped…

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭73‬